Poachemon
by mangoman
Summary: Pokemon the way it should be. Please R&R! tell me if you think I should keep going. Some pokemon you hate would be good suggestions! Promise to review all reviewers who have also written funny pokemon stories!
1. Default Chapter

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Ash awoke from his bed with overactive enthusiasm. "Today's the big day! I get my first hunting weapon from Prof. Rambo!" Ash rushed outside without so much as a word from his mother.  
  
"Hi Ash! Are you here to pick your first hunting weapon?"  
  
"I sure am!" Ash decides to overlook his decision again. Choice number #1, there was the Uzi. A very powerful weapon, but hard to collect valuable materials from what he poaches. Or, there was Choice number 2, the tranquilizer gun. This reduced the difficulty of poaching a thousand times over. However, fluid that goes into the gun is pricey. And last but not least, Choice #3, the sniper. Easy to knock off anything if he used the right tactics and aimed in the right spot. So which should it be? Hmmm...  
  
"I'll take the Uzi! Power rules over money!" Ash was so stupid; he didn't realize that money was the whole point of Poachemon.  
  
Professor Rambo liked his stupidity. The Uzi is one of his personal favorites. It was as small as a handgun, but not quite as gay. It did take a lot of bullets, but you can buy them at the poke mart for 1 cent a piece. (The economy was terrible)  
  
"Alright then." Prof. Rambo handed the Uzi to him. "Take good care of it. It is awesome!" suddenly, machine gun bullets were heard from the outside. "Oh crap, the government! Get out of here, Ash! While you still can!" Glass shards flung about the room as Ash tried to escape. 'You'll never take me alive!" Prof. Rambo pushed the "on" button on his nuclear warhead...  
  
Ash walked away, watching his town blow up in a nuclear mushroom explosion. The heck with that, Ash thought. A Pidgey flew in front of him, simply pecking the ground for no particular reason. 'Awesome, a Pidgey!" ash whipped out his Hunt-a-dex for information.  
  
"Pidgey, a bird pokemon. QVC watchers will use their beaks by attaching them to their chopsticks. Although they don't bring in much zenny, it is a perfect opportunity to test a poke poacher's skills."  
  
"Sweet!" Ash took out his Uzi and began a rapid firing of bullets. Ash waited for the smoke to clear. Oh no, he thought! Nothing ever comes out hurt when there's smoke! Goku flew up to him. "This isn't DBZ!" Goku flew off. While Ash watched the blonde super saiyan, Pidgey came out and pecked his eyes. "AHHHH!" Ashe was screaming like a sissy girl. Noticing his mouth was wide open from all the expletives he'd been shouting, Ash ate the Pidgey. "Nothing tastes better then when it's in my stomach." The Hunt-a- dex opened its electronic mouth at the wrong time.  
  
"Pidgey also give bad indigestion when eaten."  
  
"SON OF A MONKEY..." The rest was cut short by a loud and odorous fart. Ash's face turned a sickly green, and hurled. Why wouldn't his fart stop? WHY?! His feverish farting caused the whole forest to be set on fire. Ash could not escape, for he was knocked out.  
  
Will Ash survive? Will anyone come to this young criminal's rescue? Stay tuned... 


	2. Chapter 2

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Another young orange haired girl was out fishing. No; she wasn't going to train what she caught; she was just hungry. The smell of smoke drifted past her nose. "It be musty up in here!" Surprisingly, Misty was not black; she was just trying to be. (Racial offense not intended) she dropped her fishing rod and walked to where the scent was coming from. An orange and red flame was shown before her. This was great! It's like dropping a stick of dynamite in the water! All the dead things are yours for the taking! Misty was an aspiring Poachemon trainer. She dashed into the burning woods. A few Pidgey here, a Hoothoot there, and some Sentret. Misty began to think; man, why do they always put the crappy pokemon with no value at the beginning of the game? She suddenly spotted a knocked out boy in the middle of a clearing. This was her lucky day! She was running out of bullets. She picked him up and dashed out of the forest.  
  
Ash was beginning to come to. After a couple of chokes and some coughs, he stood up. "Hey, where'd all my stuff go?" He noticed an orange girl using it to shoot out Magickarp in the pond. "What an idiot, why not use dynamite? I've gotta get my stuff back!" He executed a flying jump kick, landing right in the girl's face. While the girl fell into the water, he grabbed the gun. A big splash erupted. "Ha! I hope the Magickarp eat you alive!" He began to walk away when a big boulder skinned his arm.  
  
"You'll have to do a lot better than that to knock me out!" The girl did an upside-down spinning kick, hitting ash multiple times. Ash rubbed his bruises.  
  
"I don't have the time to deal with you! Flocks of angry spearow are chasing me!" She turned her head.  
  
"There aren't any angry..." she was cut off by the realization that her bike was stolen. This calls for drastic measures from the one and only... MISTY!  
  
What a moron! Ash was sure to get away now. He only hoped that she didn't come after him. An attack would surely be fatal, considering the low amount of bullets he had. He had guessed right. A swarm of bullets banged against his bike route.  
  
"Where do you think you're going?!" Misty was heading straight towards Ash in her super Poke Poacher tank. Misty pressed the, "launch" button in her control panel, causing a rocket to be reared in the attacking position. Crud, thought Ash! What am I gonna do? I know! If I time it just right...  
  
"Prepare to gimme back that bike! But it won't much matter when it's covered in fire and ASH! MWA HA HA HA HA HA!" Misty obviously liked her own puns way too much. "Prepare to be annihilated!" As the rocket sped forth, Ash shot one of his bullets. The impact caused the rocket to be pushed back in the tank, causing a catastrophic explosion.  
  
"YES! We did it!" By "we", Ash meant his beloved Uzi. I better go to the nearest town to stock up. Meanwhile, Misty was amidst the burning rubbish, muttering to herself. "Mark my words, Ash Ketchum, I will get you." 


	3. Chapter 3

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 3  
  
Ash rode to the nearest town with a sense of renewed victory. Not even a tank could stop him! Ash watched Viridian city come into view. He tried to brake, but the bike didn't have any. "That stupid Misty rigged this bike!" Ash jumped off to the ground as the bike hit a stop sign and exploded. "Bombs too?!" Ash was really in need of medical attention now. He staggered to the nearest poke center. When he finally got there, he talked to the nurse. "I don't think I need to tell you that I'm at the point of death, just fix me up, do whatever you do."  
  
"Sorry, sir. We only help Pokemon here."  
  
"Alright then, where's the human hospital?"  
  
"There isn't one." Ash broke out in a rage and whipped out his Uzi.  
  
"YOUR KIDDING ME! HOW MUCH DO YOU GUYS FRIGGIN' WORSHIP THESE LITTLE PIECES OF JUNK?!" Bullets flew in every which direction, but Nurse Joy was the only target. She didn't get hit. The charade of bullets didn't last long, because Misty had used them all up.  
  
"Oh my gosh, a Pokemon poacher!" Nurse Joy dashed for the phone, only to realize the bullets had hit it. What am I to do, she thought? I voice was heard from the room.  
  
"Prepare for Trouble!"  
  
"Make it double!"  
  
"To protect the world from overpopulation!"  
  
"To unite all peoples within our nation!"  
  
"To announce the riches of poaching cash!"  
  
"We're going to have a Poachemon bash!"  
  
"Jesse!"  
  
"James!"  
  
"Team Rocket shoots off at the speed of a bunny!"  
  
"Surrender your animals now, or give us all your money!" A very long red haired women and a purple haired man were challenging Ash. They appeared from out of the blue in a big balloon shaped like a dollar symbol. They didn't realize that ash didn't have any money, so there was no point in threatening him. A piece of broken bike flew at the couple. They both ducked too see that their balloon was popped. The red haired girl, Jesse, was utterly appalled.  
  
"How dare you! Who chucked that bike shard?" Jesse was surprised to see a young orange haired girl standing three feet away from her.  
  
"I did, loser!" Ash was relieved yet worried to see Misty again. Why was she following me? Why does she want revenge so bad? And how in the heck did she get better while he was like a bruised and battered rag doll? "I'll hold Jesse and the gay guy off! (purple hair is not very masculine) You go get help, Ash!"  
  
Ash ran out of the hospital, hoping to find some more ammunition. I've got it, the poke mart! He rammed through the double doors and asked the shopkeeper for some ammo. The shopkeeper looked at him like he was a lunatic.  
  
"Ammo? You mean, bullets? Sorry, we don't carry any of those. But if your looking for poke food pellets, then you're in luck. You're the hundredth person to come into our store today! You get a free box!"  
  
Ash looked at the box with sinking hope. It'll have to do, he thought. He loaded his Uzi and went to go help Misty.  
  
"What the heck kind of a Pokemon is that?!" Misty stared into the eyes of what was a Seedot.  
  
James answered, "It's a Seedot, of course!" The Seedot flew at Misty, and blew up. It didn't take long to figure out why. Pokemon that appeared in later versions of the game weren't allowed in this one. James began to shout so loud that all the windows cracked. "That son of a monkey salesman! I knew I shouldn't have been tricked! He said it was a rare Pokemon!"  
  
Misty replied, "Well, he wasn't lying. So long, suckers!" Misty pulled out a very very very compact rocket launcher out of her pocket. It fired out an array of two missiles, each sending one member of team rocket flying towards the sun.  
  
They both replied, "Team Rocket's blasting off ag..." The sentence was cut short by them flying into the sun. (Saves the reader and me a lot of grief. Who wants to see them over and over?)  
  
"Yes, I did it!" Ash wasn't impressed. Anyone could have done that with a rocket launcher. Suddenly, ahs heard a voice inside the hospital.  
  
Nurse joy stepped from behind the counter with a huge drill in her hand. "You two didn't forget about me, did you?" 


	4. Chapter 4

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 4  
  
Ash was wondering how everyone seemed to be packing weaponry these days. Nurse joy yelled in a crazy voice, "You two brats aren't going anywhere!" Joy bared her teeth and spun her intimidating over-sized drill.  
  
Ash responded, "You dumb pink-haired freak! All I've gotta do is knock you off with my precious Uzi!" he fired a poke food pellet. Nurse Joy launched her mouth and swallowed.  
  
"That was good, got any more?" Misty peered at Ash.  
  
"Well that was lame..." Misty turned away from the red-faced boy and aimed her rockets at the psychotic nurse.  
  
"Uh uh uh! You know as well as I do that I could drill open that rocket, causing an explosion that could kill us all! But, if you're too curious to resist, then shoot, SHOOT!"  
  
Misty looked wide-eyed at her. "You're friggin' crazy!" However, Misty knew she was right. But her rocket launcher was the only thing she had with her. How else could she do any damage? If only Ash wasn't so stupid, we could be alive!  
  
Nurse Joy interrupted her thoughts. Joy rushed over with her drill and made a stabbing motion towards Misty. Luckily, Misty dodged to the left. A dart filled with an overdose of aspirin hit Nurse Joy. Ash looked at her triumphantly.  
  
"Gotcha! Nurse Joy, you're finished!" Ash saw Nurse Joy running up to him with the drill, seemingly filled with renewed rage. "Why in the heck isn't the aspirin working?!" Ash quickly maneuvered himself to the left, and saw the answer. He saw it in her lifeless eyes. Nurse Joy was nothing but a robot! Ash hawked a lugi into her aspirin-inflicted hole. The liquid caused a malfunction in her circuitry, causing Nurse Joy to explode.  
  
Misty mouth was agape. "If Nurse Joy was a robot than who's controlling her?" The answer walked out in front of her, a controller in its hands.  
  
It was a Chansey. "These robots suck! I'll have to get rid of these two Poachers myself!" The fat tub of pink launched itself at Ash, slapping him multiple times.  
  
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" ash was astonished that something as innocent, fat, and cute as a Chansey could be so evil.  
  
"Hey Tubby!" Misty reared her rocket launcher on her shoulder. "EAT THIS!" The Chansey countered the oncoming rocket with an egg bomb attack. The two created a blast that blew apart the whole hospital. A few pedestrians noticed, and started to run towards the poke center.  
  
Crud, Ash thought! Now we have people witnessing the explosion as well! Ash had an idea. What were all the things he and Misty had just said about Chansey? 'fat.' 'tubby.' That's it! Ash took out his Uzi filled with luscious food no Chansey could resist. He shot repeatedly at the Chansey, with it eating every single pellet of food. It didn't realize, however, that the more it ate, the fatter it got. Chansey began to puff up like a balloon, and eventually popped.  
  
"Yes, I did it!" Ash then considered the people who were closing in on them, including the police. "Misty, can you get that tank of yours?" Misty looked at him like an idiot.  
  
"You blew it up, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah." Ash then had another idea! (Ash was felling particularly smart today) he got the keys to his winged vehicle out of his pocket. He then pushed the 'beeper' button. Ash's vehicle soon came to him. It was a Northrop B-2A "Spirit" (the reader may notice it as a stealth bomber) it sat in front of Ash, ready to make his escape capable. He jumped in, when he noticed the tug on his jacket.  
  
"You can't forget about me Ash! You still owe me a new tank and a new bike!"  
  
"Whatever! Just get in!" Misty seated herself in the plane like it was home. Ash remembered something.  
  
"Misty you wait here, I've gotta go get something!" Ash hopped out. The police cars were closing in on the sight. Ash swiped the egg the Chansey left, and then got into the plane to make his escape. 


	5. Chapter 5

POACHEMON  
  
CAHPTER 5  
  
Ash and Misty settled themselves on two LA-Z-BOY chairs in the middle of the control room. Ash began to ponder about all the crap he was in the middle of. He had also wondered why Misty was in the stealth bomber with him. But, she did come to his rescue when the red-haired hussy and the home designer guy were there. Maybe I should strike up a conversation with her, Ash thought. Meanwhile, back at the sun...  
  
Jesse looked at her damaged hair. "James, you idiot! Why in heck didn't you bring something we could've knocked off the twerps with?!" James and Jesse had seemingly become used to the sun's blazing inferno temperatures.  
  
"Because, Jesse, I thought I could just BEEP slap him!"  
  
"I'LL SHOW YOU A BEEP SLAPPING!" James and Jesse launched themselves at each other, and began to fight like nerds /or sissies. (When they both fling their arms every which way, turning their heads from each other with closed eyes) A Magmar jumped from underneath the magma surface and observed the racket. As soon as the slapping stopped they both looked in disgust at the hideous creature.  
  
"Great, now we have a literal butthead in front of us! I think I'm gonna barf..." Jesse got out a paper bag. "BLEEEAGGH!"  
  
"I don't know, Jesse. I actually think its kind of hot! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jesse punched James in the face.  
  
"Will you get serious!"  
  
"Jesse, you ruined my lipstick!" Jesse's rage was boiling like the very sun she sat upon. Why, out of all the people, did Giovanni have to pair her up with a GAY guy for a partner!  
  
Jesse had an idea. "Hey James, why don't we keep this butt munch, I mean Magmar, for ourselves? It'll be like our own personal flamethrower! Nothing can compare with one of those!"  
  
"You've got a point, Jesse! That twerp will never know what hit him!" James started to giggle like a bubbly high school cheerleader. "But wait, how do we get off the sun?"  
  
"So, um, Misty? Where did you come from?"  
  
"Cerulean City, you?"  
  
"Pallet Town." Dang, Misty thought, that's one of the most ghetto places in this region. "Hey Misty, if James's Seedot blew up, then what about your Hoothoot and Sentret?" a couple of explosion from Misty's backpack explained that question.  
  
"Ash, I'm curious, just how did you afford the money for this stealth bomber anyway?"  
  
"I didn't buy it, Prof. Rambo built from all the parts in the junkyard. He's a Poachemon genius!"  
  
"You're so lucky, my stupid sisters from the gym just gave me the tank as a hand-me-down."  
  
"The gym? You mean, you're sisters are Poachemon gym leaders? Wow, neat." To avoid giving the reader more grief than necessary, here's a run-down of how the gyms in Poachemon work:  
  
The challenger and the leader must fight each other one-on-one in the battlefield with their Poachemon weapons. But, throughout the battlefield, there are wild Pokemon for the grabbing. You must fend off your opponent as well as get the most points. (Points vary depending on what part and how rare the Pokemon is. The gym leaders cannot be killed. If their vitality reaches a near-death point, the leader automatically wins and the challenger will be sent to a concentration camp. Of course, all gym battles must be kept secret from the police, or any other legal forces.  
  
Ash noticed a scraping on the window. "What the heck was that?" ash walked over, unsuspecting of that the legal force was on their plane. 


	6. Chapter 6

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 6  
  
Ash rushed to where the scraping was coming from. He found someone from the secret service attaching some kind of blinking light to his plane. "Holy sandwich! I've gotta shake this guy off!" Ash was too late, for the man had just jumped off and was parachuting safely towards the ground. Misty watched in shock as she met Ash.  
  
"Oh no he didn't!"  
  
"Misty, will you stop trying to be black?" Ash tried to guess what that thing was anyway. If it was from the secret service, it can't be good. "Well, whoever he is, he won't squeal!" ash made use of his stealth bomber, and watched him blow up like glass. "SCORE!" Meanwhile...  
  
The officer maneuvered his plane quietly through the clouds, so as not to be seen. He picked up his microphone. "We've got him in sight, the plane locator worked perfectly! But I can't seem to find Private John, it seems that that young punk might've got him. Blast it!" The plane stealthily accelerated as it prepared to fire.  
  
Misty gasped. "Ash, that's a plane locator! Get rid of it now!" Ash fired a few pellets to knock it off. A quaking was felt throughout the plane as bullets hit from every angle. "Too late, stupid! We're gonna get our butts kicked!" Like she knows everything, Ash thought. If I could just blow that dude up! The bomber went above the plane, and dropped a few bombs. They all missed, however, and headed straight for Vermillion city.  
  
"Those townsfolk aren't gonna be too happy about that. But who gives a crap?" the pilot plotting ash's demise spoke to his companion.  
  
"Pickachu, I need you to sneak on board and short circuit the plane! It's the only way!" Pickachu nodded in happy agreement, and jumped to the bomber when the two planes were side-by-side.  
  
"What's that?" Misty heard a pattering at the top.  
  
"I CAN'T TAKE THIS GUY ANYMORE! HE'S DODGING EVERYTHING I THROW AT HIM! Misty, you know how to operate the controls for a stealth bomber, don't you? Good, I'll take care of what's on top." Ash zoomed out of the control room without giving Misty a chance to respond.  
  
"That jerk! But bombing this dude could be fun..."  
  
Ash walked around in the main deck and paid close attention to any sound. He heard, a faint pattering on top of the plan. It got louder as it headed for the back room, where all the circuitry was. "What the heck?" Ash followed the noise into the back room. A tallow fuzzy ball came out of the pipe connecting to the room. "AH HA!" Ash gave it a good kick. It flew across the room, heading back into the main deck.  
  
"Pickachu!" the Pokemon was obviously pissed off. I don't wanna explain what that meant in human language.  
  
"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" Ash paced around the room, and got into a fighting stance. An electric shot hit him dead in the mouth, and paralyzed him.  
  
"Pika pika!" The Pickachu admired his swift victory, and walked back to resume his duties. Ash, despite the paralyisis, managed to slowly draw out his Uzi and fire a poke food pellet. Pickachus nose caught whiff of that satisfying smell, and it started to nibble on the brown clump. Ash had an idea. Maybe I could bribe him to do stuff with these! The paralysis started to wear off, and he muttered a few words.  
  
"Oh Pi...ka...chu. If you go... and take... control of... this bomber, I'll give...you...all...the poke food...you want." The Pickachu was easily manipulated, and thus, obeyed his command. It hopped happily to the control room and shoved Misty aside.  
  
"So it was you who made all that pattering! Prepare to be blown away!" Misty reared up her rocket launcher, but hesitated. Once again, the blast would be too lethal for this plane to handle. The Pickachu was surprisingly good at maneuvering, so Misty put the rocket launcher back in her pocket. What harm could it do?  
  
The secret service man wanted to look his lawbreaker straight in the eye before he blew him to pieces. He loaded his missiles, and went to shoot them right at the window. He saw Pickachu's smiling face. "No, my best friend, turned EVIL?! I guess I have no choice." He got out his "BLOW UP PICKACHU" device. It was for use in such occasions of betrayal. He pressed the button, and watched Pickachu explode into chunks. "My work here is done, Mission accomplished." The man flew out of sight, tearing at the eyes. 


	7. Chapter 7

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 7  
  
Ash silently snickered to himself for his ingenious plan. Pickachu are so stupid! Plus, thanks to that yellow ball of stupidity, the legal forces think Pickachu is a Pokemon Poacher! "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Misty was busy tossing the Pokemon chunks out the window. "Ash is a friggin' psycho." She walked out of the room with a paralyze heal. "Ash, I know we've been through a lot, but don't you think we should be going to the gym?"  
  
"The gym, why?"  
  
"So you can be a world renowned Poke Poacher, of course!"  
  
"What's the point in that? I just wanna be rich!"  
  
"You idiot! You don't know anything about Poachemon, do you? If you get all eight badges, you get to challenge the elite four. If you win, you'll be the master of Poachemon. Those guys are treated like royalty! (At least all the Poachers will.) You make a whole lot of moolah if you're the grand Poachemon poacher!"  
  
Ash had never heard the word 'poach' spoken that many times in one paragraph. "If you're so enthusiastic about it, why don't you be the champion?" Misty's face turned red.  
  
"BECAUSE I'M A GYM LEADER YOU MORON!"  
  
"Oh, I forgot. But Misty, I've heard the Poachemon gym leaders are VERY strong, how am I supposed to beat them?"  
  
Misty was preparing a big speech on the weaponry a Poachemon master could have. "You see, Ash, A Poachemon master may have 6 weapons to choose from. Those six are divided into three categories. Vehicle, gun, and accessory."  
  
"What's an accessory?"  
  
"That's like anything else: bombs, flash bombs, smoke screen, etc."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Anyways, you already have two, your stealth bomber, and your Uzi. You will eventually need to get the other four along your travels. If you do the math, that leaves room for one more gun, one more vehicle, and two accessories." Ash began to wonder what he would choose. He had also been neglecting the fact that his Uzi was still packed with food pellets. Maybe I'll take the elite four challenge after all, he thought. Ash jumped into the control room and headed for Pewter city. I'm gonna kick that leaders...  
  
"Booty."  
  
"Jesse, will you knock that off?"  
  
"James, I can't help it! Look at that Magmar, it's hideous!"  
  
"Shut up! It's beautiful! And it's going to get OUR booty off of the sun! Alright Magmar, use dynamic punch!" The red and orange pokemon obeyed, and punched them back towards earth. But then it realized that punching itself back with them would be a whole different story... 


	8. chapter 8

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 8  
  
James was tearing at the eyes for the loss of his beloved butt-faced pokemon. "Oh Jesse, why didn't I think ahead? Why didn't I figure out that it couldn't punch itself off the sun?!" Jesse slapped him multiple times.  
  
"SHUDDUPSHUDDUPSHUDDUP!!! I don't wanna hear another word about that hideous creature until you're dead!"  
  
"But Jesse, if I'm dead then how can I talk about it?" His answer came with a shove as he went sprawling down a cliff.  
  
"Pewter city, here I come!" Ash drove his stealth bomber for a landing. Apparently, he landed in a parking area for police officer bombers. Officer Jenny ran to Ash to clear things up.  
  
"Young man, this is a parking area for employees only! I demand to know why that stealth bomber of yours is here!" Misty whispered into Ash's ear.  
  
"Ash, the only reason that they all look alike is that they're robots."  
  
"OK." Ash took a deep breath. "Officer Jenny, I am a new model. I was sent by the government."  
  
"Oh, carry on then." Jenny marched off in a very robotic manner.  
  
Ash wiped the sweat off his brow. "That was close, I was almost gonna get arrested! So, Misty, where exactly is the gym that you're talking about? All I see is a bunch of houses and a stupid poke mart." Misty flipped open a map she had taken out of her pocket.  
  
"Ash, it amazes me how anyone could be so stupid. It's underground, drrr! The public can't see it! According to this map, there should be a secret elevator somewhere in the poke center."  
  
"Alright then, lets go!" Ash ran to the poke center so he could acquire his first Poachemon gym badge.  
  
Ash walked in the poke center to find Nurse Joy talking to one of her duplicates on the phone. "Model #39872, the model assigned to Viridian city, has not responded to any of the calls I've been giving her." Oh crap, Ash thought! I can't let them suspect that it's me!  
  
"Hello, Nurse Joy! How's it going?" Misty elbowed him in the stomach for causing too much attention to him.  
  
"Just fine. May I see your pokemon, please?" Man I'm stupid, Ash thought! I don't have any pokemon! I've got to think of a diversion!  
  
"Um, I think my jealous friend threw one of my poke balls in here because I defeated him in a match! Let me go get it!" He grabbed Misty's arm and rushed to the back room. "Misty, I'm gonna slap you silly if we don't find that elevator this instant!" Misty poked at a few cardboard boxes, and one of them opened up to reveal an underground entrance.  
  
"See, I know what I'm doing." Misty jumped in the box, and Ash followed. They arrived in a very rocky arena, with messes of assorted boulders every which way. A voice was heard from inside the shadows.  
  
"I am Brock, leader of this Poachemon gym. Are you ready to start your battle?" Ash eyes adjusted to the darkness as he saw a tan man with a green vest and tan pants. His strangest feature was his eyes.  
  
"Not quit, give me a minute." He rushed Misty to a secret part of the gym. "Misty did you see his eyes? That guy looks like he's practically blind! They're all squinty and stuff!"  
  
"Ash, shouldn't you be concentrating on how to beat him instead?"  
  
"Oh yeah. Don't worry, I saw this guy standing outside of the arena. He reloaded my gun and everything! This loser should be a piece of cake!" Ash confidently strutted over to where the seemingly blind man was standing. "I'm ready when you are!"  
  
"Good. The point requirement is 80 points. I will release the Onyx and Geodudes. Onyxes are worth 50 points, and geodudes are worth 10. We may use 2 weapons. Begin!" Brock flipped on his jetpack, and zoomed around the arena. He had a sniper I his hand, ready to knock off the challenger.  
  
Ash flipped open his pokedex to examine the two emerging pokemon. "Geodude, the rock type pokemon. For some anonymous reason, this pokemon floats. No one knows why, and no one really cares. Its shape is perfect for a bowling ball. Onyx, the rock worm type. The end of its tail is sharp enough to cut through steel, making a very strong knife." Ash didn't like the part about the Onyx, but it was too late. The worm opened his mouth, and ate Ash. The battle was over. Ash awoke at the underground hospital, with Misty by his side.  
  
"Misty, what happened?"  
  
"You were eaten by an Onyx. Your losing record was the fastest on yet."  
  
"How did I get OUT of Onyx?"  
  
"I don't wanna tell you. If I were you, I try upgrading my arsenal. Those Uzi bullets will bounce right off those rock types." Good idea, Ash thought.  
  
Ash was taking a stroll around Pewter city to help him think. A man in tattered clothes came up to him. Ash noticed he had equally squinty eyes, much like Brock's. "Get away from me, homeless guy!"  
  
"I'm not a homeless guy! Listen, I'm Brock's dad. I was gonna tell you a heart-breaking story about how his mom died and how he has to provide for his family because I don't fell like it, but now, I don't really care." Ash was glad he skipped all of that worthless sentimental junk. Brock's Dad got in front of Ash's path. "Anyway, I know how hard that particular gym battle is. That's why I'm making you an offer to upgrade your Uzi. It will have sharper, more destructive bullets.  
  
"You mean, you can make my Uzi evolve?"  
  
"Exactly. What do you say we get down to it?"  
  
"OK!" So Ash and the blind, homeless guy worked all day and night, upgrading his Uzi so he was ready for the next battle with the other blind dude.  
  
Brock turned around. "I see Onyx's lunch is back to be eaten again?"  
  
"Shut your mouth, squinty eyed boy! I'm not gonna lose to you this time!"  
  
"Whatever. Let the battle begin!" He flipped on his jetpack and flew to a hiding spot where he could snipe Ash.  
  
"Even though I got an expensive upgrade from your dad, I'm not gonna use it. Ash took out what looked to be a pair of car keys and pressed a button on them that said, "locate." His stealth bomber came rather fast. Unexpectedly, a bullet knocked off his hat.  
  
"Shoot! I was sure I had him in perfect shooting range!" Ash laughed at how he said the word, 'shoot' twice. He then spotted an on-coming Onyx.  
  
"Come here, Onyx! Try and eat me again!" The Onyx was thoroughly cheesed off, and went straight for the plain. The stealth bomber dropped a bomb into the Onyx's mouth and rocks flew everywhere. Yes! Just 30 more points to go! A bullet broke through his window, and made a hole in the pilot seat. "Hey, those were leather seats!" Ash dropped a bomb near Brock, so his vision, (if there was any) would be impaired by the bright light. A bunch of geodude floated up to his plane and started punching the windows. "Get off!" Ash took his Uzi and shot through the window, knocking off three geodudes. Yes! He had barely enough points to win!  
  
Brock presented his badge to Ash. "Ash, you have no idea how much I want to kill you right now. But, rules are rules." Brock walked away into the shadows once more.  
  
Ash strutted along the side road, celebrating his victory. Brock ran up to catch up with him. "Ash, can I go with you?"  
  
"Why? Do you like Misty or something? Or do you just wanna reclaim your glory for me kicking your A?"  
  
"I went easy on you. And no, I don't like Misty. You see, I've watched you poach, and I've realized that you are very stupid. Girls like smart dudes. By hanging around you, I'll look smarter. Get it?"  
  
"Dude, you'll probably end up marrying Michael Jackson. With those squinty eyes of yours, you couldn't tell if a girl was pretty or not!"  
  
"Would you shut the heck up about my eyes?!" Brock punched Ash in the face, causing him to tumble down the mountain and crash his head into a rock. Misty and Brock began to laugh whole-heartedly, until Misty also punched Brock for that comment about not liking her. Then she laughed more. 


	9. Chapter 9

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 9  
  
Ash, Misty, and Brock happily skipped to the next town, Cerulean city. Ash was going to get his next badge, the Cascade. No one questioned why Ash didn't just fly them there with his stealth bomber. I f you ask why Ash is so stupid; he'll just act stupider. When they came to the entrance of the town, Misty remembered why she didn't want to come.  
  
"Ash, why don't I just go get some pokemon in the woods, and sell the for money?"  
  
"Don't worry about it. Apparently, that gym battle I had with blind-man Brock could keep us going for quite a while."  
  
"Ash shut your face about my eyes."  
  
"But you never know when you might suddenly stupidly spend it on some casino! Maybe I should just build up an emergency fund, just encase!"  
  
"A STUPID CASINO, WHERE?! Hey, wait a minute. Misty, you aren't scared of going into this peaceful little city, are you? I promise, I won't make any contact with Nurse Joy or officer Jenny, now come on!" Ash dragged Misty into the town. "Hey Misty, where is the gym anyway?"  
  
"Fashizzle my nizzle!"  
  
"I swear to friggin' Lugia, Misty, if you don't stop being black right now, I will blow your brains out."  
  
"Yeah Misty, you should leave the blackness up to me, Brock!" Ash was going to test him on whether he was black or Asian.  
  
"Hey Brock, the opposite of no is...?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"NO! HAHAHAHAHA! It's yeah! Like in that song, 'yeah'. Geez Brock, your just Asian." Brock dropped his head as Misty dreadfully pulled out her map.  
  
"The gym is this way." She pointed her finger at a carousel shaped building. It showed a picture of a Dewgong at the top. Ash, Misty, and Brock walked in to what appeared to be a water show. A blonde, a redhead, and a blue-haired girl preformed numerous swimming tricks. Brock stared and groveled at the three luscious figures. After the show was over, Ash decided to ask them where he could find the gym leaders.  
  
The redhead responded, "A gym battle? I haven't had one of those in a long time. If you want to find the gym leaders here, come this way." She led them to a large room that appeared to be a training area for the swimmers.  
  
The blue haired girl gasped in amazement. "OHMYGOSH, is that you Misty?" Ash was perplexed, kind of like he was every other time of the day.  
  
"Hey, are these your girl friends? You are the first female pimp I've seen, Misty." The answer came like this. SLAPCRACKPUNCHKICKSMASHCRASHEXPLOSION.  
  
"You sicko! These are my annoying sisters!" The blonde one spoke up.  
  
"She's right. See, we are the gym leaders here. We always picked on Misty and made fun of her, so she broke away from the gym business, and decided to become a Poachemon master." Ash was busy thinking up all the blonde jokes he heard. If only that blue-haired girl was a brunette...  
  
a half hour passed by with a bunch of chitchat from Misty and her sisters, and she slapped ash awake. "Listen Ash, I'm the Poachemon leader of this town. I'm gonna prove to my sisters how cool I am, so if you want that gym badge, you're gonna have to answer to me, Misty!" She pointed to the ceiling as a wave of non-existing water splashed over her. I wish I had special effects, Ash thought. Misty began to explain the rules. "This will be a single capture battle. That means that I will let this drunk Seal loose, and the first one to capture him wins."  
  
"Fine by me. Bring it!" A very stupid sounding seal swam around in the water as Misty reared up one of her nets. "Oh no you don't," Ash shot the net down as it fell an inch from the seal.  
  
"MONKEYMONKEYMONKEY..." Misty took out her pocket rocket launcher and aimed it towards Ash. Ash dodged and started to run toward where the seal was. The rocket made quite a crevice in the wall, which Misty's sisters whined about. Ash almost reached the horn of the white animal, when it swam to the other side of the pool.  
  
"Misty, I thought you said it was drunk!"  
  
"It just sounds drunk!" Misty took out another net and threw it at the seal. Once again, Ash took out his Uzi and shot it down. Ash began to think of a sure-fire way to get that seal down. He called his stealth bomber to him with his signaler. He hopped in an aimed one of his bombs at the seal.  
  
"If I can just blow away the gym, it will have to stay in the same place amidst the burning wreckage!" He dropped the bomb, causing another mushroom explosion that devastated the gym's foundation. Misty shrieked at ash's stupidity once more.  
  
"You're gonna get us all killed!"  
  
"I'd guess you'd better run then huh?" Misty bared her teeth and ran out as the gym began to crumble. "I win by default, YAAAAY!" Ash flew his stealth bomber out of the gym, and the Seal ran out with the five others.  
  
Outside, the three sisters were discussing how much they would sue Ash for the gym. Then they decided they would blame it all on Misty, since she proposed the battle in the first place. Misty chucked the Cascade badge in Ash's face, and then she beat up on him. While ash lied there, unconscious, he thought, I only have 6 more badges to go! 


	10. chapter 10

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 10  
  
James and Jesse were sitting next to the hill of were Ash and his friends were walking. Jesse heard a scratchy sound. "James, what are you doing?"  
  
"I'm whittling, of course."  
  
"James, I didn't know you could whittle, what are you making?"  
  
"A magmar, my beloved magmar!" James got out some tack cloth to scrape the wood shavings off of the model.  
  
"I'M GONNA..." Jesse stopped short in the middle of her threat when she realized some vital information was missing. "James, is that tack cloth spontaneous combustion proof?" James picked up the bag.  
  
"OH SANDWICH, IT'S N..." BOOM!  
  
Ash, Misy, and Brock were in the middle of a heavy mist. Ash was repeatedly running into trees, logs, etc. "Brock, I'm fed up with this. Where in the heck are we going?"  
  
"Shut up, Ash. You're the one who wanted to go to the next gym in the first place."  
  
"Hey, what's that?" Misty heard some machinery noises from a distance. They all followed the noise, and came to find a student from some school running on a treadmill. A bunch of his classmates were surrounding him, and one was asking him pokemon questions. Ash got closer to observe.  
  
"Alright, Jimmy, how much money is all of a pidgey's feathers worth if the pidgey weighs 7 pounds?"  
  
Jimmy responded, "Uh, 1.98?" ZAP! An electrical charge was sent through his body, but he continued to run on the treadmill anyway.  
  
"Next question: if I fart on your face, how much will it stink?"  
  
"What?" (Fart) The boy's butt was too swift for him to dodge. Jimmy passed out.  
  
Ash ran up to the group. "Hey, you can't do that to him!"  
  
"Who're you?"  
  
"I'm Ash Ketchum, from Palet Town! I'm gonna be a Poachemon master, I already have 2 badges!" The group of boys glared at him with sly grins.  
  
"Hey everybody, looks like we got another loser!"  
  
"SHUT UP! I could easily take all of you on!"  
  
"Oh really? Come on guys, let's go." The group of snotty boys headed in another direction amidst the fog.  
  
"You guys are just a bunch of chicken wussies!" Seifer walked up to him.  
  
"Don't steal my line, chicken wuss!" He disappeared in a bunch of smoke.  
  
Brock finally chose to speak up. "Ash, shouldn't we be taking Jimmy some place so he can recover?"  
  
"Oh yeah." They headed in the direction that they saw the schoolboys go. They laid Jimmy down on the ground. His eyes began to open. Behind Ash was a very large school. Jimmy came to his senses when the school bell was rung.  
  
"A Pidgey weighing 7 pounds is worth $1.47, 21 cents for each pound of feathers!"  
  
Ash gasped. "Jimmy, if you knew all that stuff, why didn't you just tell him the right answer BEFORE he farted in your face?"  
  
"Because if I do, they make the questions that much harder, and the electrical shocks that much more painful. Want me to show you around the school?"  
  
"Sure!" They walked into the door of one building to discover a room that had a resemblance to an arcade.  
  
"This is where I learn how to be a Poachemon master! I'm in the beginners' class, which is equal to having 2 badges. This machine right here is where I practice my Poachemon skills." He turned on the game, and got a plastic gun out of the socket next to the screen. It showed a Weepinbell sitting there, and then it blew up. A gangster was coming for him with a rocket launcher. He shot the rocket that was launched, causing to explode next to the gangster. The words, 'you win' appeared on the screen. "Aren't I awesome?"  
  
Misty was cheesed off. "So what! I want to fight you in a REAL gangster battle right now!"  
  
"Suit your self, the computer simulations are never wrong." He took out a handgun, and Misty got out her rocket launcher. They both fired at the same time, but the rockets got to the kid before the bullet got to the rocket. Jimmy flew through the wall and into the pool.  
  
"HA! You're simulation was way off!" A beautiful girl with wavy locks of brown hair walked up to him.  
  
"Of course you didn't win, this girl is a gym leader at the Cerulean City gym. Her skills are much better than yours." Ash and Brock stared in amazement as Misty just glared at the obnoxious girl. "You three must be pokemon trainers, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That's a laugh! Why not just got to this school, Poachemon tech, and get your badges through studying and school work?"  
  
Ash wasn't admiring her as much as he had started to. "Because you're gay, that's why!"  
  
"Well, if you're so confident in your skills, then I challenge you to a gangster battle!"  
  
"What's a gangster battle?"  
  
"What a moron. A gangster battle is when two Poachemon poachers fight with their Poachemon tools. Ready?"  
  
"Ready!"  
  
"Rules: we may only use one weapon each. Go!" The beautiful girl unsheathed a boomerang, while Ash took out his Uzi.  
  
"A boomerang? Man, how gay can you get?"  
  
"Watch and learn!" she thrust it at Ash, and it swiped his Uzi out of his hands.  
  
"Cheap!" He jumped under a table as he dodged an array of bullets. Ash suddenly started to quietly cry.  
  
"How could she use my precious Uzi against me? That little witch! I'LL MUTILATE HER!" with somewhat super human strength, Ash threw the table he was under towards his devious opponent, causing a satisfying splat. Ash jumped around in a fanfare as rescued his Uzi from her grasp.  
  
Later that evening, Jimmy and the girl were sitting on the balcony of the school. The girl was wrapped up in all sorts of medical devices. "Sorry for saying that you suck at gangster battles, Jimmy."  
  
"That's okay. Sorry for making all those, 'yo mama' jokes behind your back."  
  
"You... did...WHAAAAAAAT?!" She rammed her wheel chair into Jimmy's back, causing them both to fall off the cliff. 


	11. Chapter 11

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 11  
  
"Ash, how come we keep getting lost on our way to Vermillion city?"  
  
"Because Ash is a retard, Misty."  
  
"SHUT UP. I happen to know exactly where we're going. And besides, I don't think Brock could do any better." Ash suddenly spied an Oddish taking a sip of water from a small stream. "Whoa, an Oddish! That thing can be used for making SO many drugs. (Sleep powder, stun spore, etc.) I've gotta catch it!"  
  
Ash's ribs caught a sharp shove from Misty. "No way Ash, I wanna make some dough!" she whipped out a poke ball and threw it at the poor, unsuspecting creature. It whimpered in fear. Out of the blue, a shadowy figure whipped away the ball with some sort of vine.  
  
"Misty, you're a loser. I'm gonna catch both of these things!" A wild Bulbasaur glared at him, waiting for an attack. Ash drew his Uzi, and almost squeezed the trigger, but the Bulbasaur whipped it out of his hands. "MY UZI!" While Ash ran up to re-claim it, the Bulbasaur and the Oddish ran away. "Misty, this is all your fault!"  
  
Ash continued on with, even though the chances for medicinal income were beyond his grasp. The trio began to walk along an old rickety bridge, despite the fact that it could snap any second. Ash began to think, stupid Misty, stupid Brock, they think I'M the stupid one. Well, I'll show them! Ash attached a silencer to his Uzi, and silently drew it out of his pocket. He stealthily shot on of the ropes that supported the bridge, causing the corner that Brock was on to fall.  
  
"AAHHHHHHHHH..." Brock hit the river with a satisfying splash.  
  
"Misty, that must've been team rocket, we'd better be careful!" The duo ran to get to the other side. They kept reading along a grassy path, and were swept up in a net. "Who the heck put this here?" The same Bulbasaur that they had encountered earlier now had a smug grin. It walked away, laughing. Before it left, it sprayed sleep powder on the duo.  
  
Ash awoke with the sound of Brock's knife cutting the rope. Misty looked in awe.  
  
"Brock, you're alive!" Ash was very displeased. Who would want to save someone like Brock?  
  
"I know, isn't that cool? A beautiful girl named Melaine rescued me from the raging waters." Brock led them to where Melaine is.  
  
"Hello everybody, my name is Melaine. I'm sorry that Bulbasaur trapped you; I set those traps to ward off pokemon poachers. I've heard of terrible things they've done lately, like blow up Nurse Joy in Viridian city! But, now I realize that you three wouldn't poach pokemon, would you?" Brock hurriedly replied,  
  
"No, Melaine, we would NEVER poach pokemon EVER." Bulbasaur tackling Ash interrupted his lie.  
  
"Get this stupid thing off of me!"  
  
"Bulbasaur, no! You know that Ash is a very loyal pokemon trainer." Bulbasaur glared at the angelic Melaine, and went to a piece of paper. It took a few crayons, and started drawing a reenactment of the poaching scene. "Aww, Bulbasaur is drawing! Isn't that so cute!" Bulbasaur was about to draw the Uzi, when Ash changed the subject.  
  
"Say Melaine, what kind of stuff do you do here anyway?"  
  
"Thank you for asking, Ash. Here, I run sort of a health spa for injured pokemon. This is a place where wild pokemon can seek refuge from those horrible poachers!" Ash looked around at the hot springs and thought, man, this is a friggin' poachemon gold mine.  
  
A growling Bulbasaur interrupted his thoughts. "Melaine, I think your Bulbasaur is still cheesed off at me for something I didn't do."  
  
"Why Ash, I think Bulbasaur wants to challenge you. You look like you're a strong pokemon trainer, so you should be able to catch him."  
  
That little rat! So this was his plan to expose me. "Melaine, this pokemon looks so very weak, I could probably catch it without using any pokemon." Ash threw a poke ball at the Bulbasaur, as it was about to launch a stun spore attack. The ball started shaking, and Bulbasaur broke out. "Oh tough luck for me. That was my last poke ball! Oh well, guess there's no need to fight Bulbasaur now."  
  
"Tough break Ash. But don't worry about it. Maybe next time." Ash went over to pick up his broken poke ball pieces, when an idea struck him. I can use poke balls full of stun spore as stun bombs! That would make poaching a breeze!  
  
"I guess you're right, Melaine. Oh well, I should be heading off to Viridian city. Bye!" Ash shoved Misty and Brock away as Bulbasaur started to finish the picture. 


	12. Chapter 12: Mytery at the lighthouse

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 12  
  
Ash, Misty, and Brock were closing in on their next destination, Vermillion city. Ash shouted, "I am so cool, I got two badges and you guys didn't."  
  
"Ash, will you stop bragging? You didn't really beat us; you just think you did. You didn't catch the seal, and Brock went easy on you. So shut up."  
  
"You guys are always picking on me. I'll prove to you that I'm awesome!" Ash dashed ahead to the beach. As all the trees of the forest started disappearing, Ash saw a Krabby crawling along the beach. "Here's my chance!" Ash threw a stick at it, which it quickly chopped in half. "You mother! Take this!" He grabbed the back of its shell, knowing it wouldn't be able to attack.  
  
"Wow, Ash, you sure proved us wrong. You can catch pokemon." Ash dropped the Krabby on the sand out of distractedness. It blew bubbles at him.  
  
"AAH! RABIES!" He ran around in circles, swinging his arms every which way. He miraculously threw a poke ball at the Krabby. Since the Krabby was so small and weak, it was easily captured. "I did it, I did it!" The pokemon suddenly disappeared. "Hey, where'd it go?"  
  
Misty decided to show off her intelligence. "Ash, whenever you actually catch a pokemon, it is immediately transported to professor Rambo's lab."  
  
"That's not good! His blew up the entire town when the government came after him!"  
  
"Well, to make sure, why don't you use the telephone at that lighthouse to check?"  
  
"Alright, whatever." He drearily stomped his way to the lighthouse, not knowing why Brock would decide to check. They made their way to the lighthouse door, which had a number of pictures of legendary pokemon on it. Brock rang the bell. A young man's voice answered.  
  
"Who is it?"  
  
"We're sorry sir, but we need to use your phone to call Professor Rambo. And, I'm a pretty good cook too."  
  
"Can you cook without using tofu? My maid is on vacation, and I've been eating nothing but tofu."  
  
"Sure, I can cook lots of things without using tofu." The door opened up as a sign of, 'yes.'  
  
They stepped in a gargantuan room, with some shadows in the back. Ash immediately stepped over to the phone.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Professor Rambo, you're alive!"  
  
"Well, yeah. Bill, the person whose house you're in, hacked the computers of the U.S. Army and government. I knew they were coming, so I made a hologram of a mushroom cloud explosion. This way, they'll never bother us again! So, Ash, what did you call me for?"  
  
"I wanted to check on my Krabby that I just caught."  
  
"Oh, that Krabby. I ate it."  
  
"You did WHAT?"  
  
"Calm down, I sent 72 zenny to your account."  
  
"Just seventy two? I demand at least 2000!"  
  
"That's funny. If you wanted 2000 zenny, you should've sent me a Krabby liked your rival did. That was one big crab." Ash punched the screen of the phone, causing glass shards to fly everywhere. A thousand malicious thoughts of his rival, Gary, went through his head. He would put himself to sleep with thoughts of how he could destroy him. He would send him threatening, untraceable e-mails under the pen name of Lil Jon.  
  
"Hey, could one of you kids help me out of this?" Ash walked toward where he heard the voice. "That's right, I'm in here." Ash saw a giant Kabuto. He drew his stun bombs.  
  
"I'll make a fortune with a legendary pokemon this big!"  
  
"No, I just a dude in a costume!"  
  
"And it talks, too! You're mine!" He raised a stun bomb up when he was knocked out by the fist of Brock.  
  
Ash woke up 20 minutes later in the balcony of the lighthouse. "What happened?"  
  
"I punched you in the face."  
  
"After that!"  
  
"The person in the Kabuto costume was Bill, the Professor Rambo mentioned. He talked for a long time about pokemon, and then told us he was talking to a big one on the lighthouse. He's sure of himself that that very same pokemon will meet us tonight." A strange melodic voice was heard on the balcony.  
  
"There it is, the pokemon I've been waiting for!" Bill jumped up and down, and took out a bazooka sized tranquilizer gun. "He's going down!"  
  
James spoke up as he climbed the cliff of the lighthouse. "Move out of the way, amateur! This Pokemon is mine!" James and Jesse recited their motto, and then shot the pokemon with a rocket launcher. (They did that in the show, actually) The pokemon was thoroughly pissed, and blew fire at them.  
  
"TEAM ROCKET IS ON FIRE AGAIN!!!" The giant then spotted Bill, and blew fire at him as well. Bill ducked and the fire hit the source of light for the lighthouse, causing a fire.  
  
"Good going Bill. Now we're all gonna die! Unless..." Ash threw Bill into the water, causing the pokemon to have an early dinner. They then escaped the lighthouse, knowing that they should never cheese off a giant pokemon unless they have really big guns. 


	13. Uzi showdown

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 13  
  
Ash began talking to his inanimate gun. "Well Mr. Uzi, are you ready? Of course you are, my precious!"  
  
"Ash, will you just shut up? Let's just get this over with so we can finish this stupid story." Ash was puzzled.  
  
"What are you talking about? What story?"  
  
"Don't be stupid Ash. You know, Poachemon, the story that we're in."  
  
"SHUT UP! Don't you know that if you know that we're in a story, a universal imbalance will occur, causing the whole universe to implode?"  
  
"Ash, what the heck are you talking ab..." BOOM!  
  
Ash started over, and walked down the same path he did a few minutes ago. He went to the local pokemon center to make sure his Uzi was in tip- top shape. He saw a worried Poachemon trainer with his bazooka on a stretch- bed.  
  
"Don't worry, Bazooky! You'll be OK!" Oh my gosh, Misty thought, more people that talk to their guns.  
  
"Nurse Joy, who was that?"  
  
"That was a dude that just challenged Lt. Surge, the gym leader here, to a match. Man, did he ever get his butt whooped! If you want to stay alive, I suggest you give it up. Give it all up you big loser! Start all over and live your whole boring existence by sitting in a rocking chair and knitting quilts for your kids who are having a much more exciting time than you are! MWAHAHAHAHA!" The psychotic nurse then zoomed away in her electric wheel chair.  
  
"Hey Misty, what's existence?" PUNCH.  
  
A huge man with a black vest and biker attire was waiting at the gym door for his next loser. A Very stupid looking boy shoved the sliding door aside and pointed at him.  
  
"I don't care how many people you beat up! You're going down town!" That's not even black, that's just stupid. Misty put her hand to her face.  
  
"Alright, baby! Whatever you say!"  
  
"Baby? Are you hitting on me?"  
  
"Shut it, fag. I'll explain the rules. This will be a weapon fight. We will each use one weapon to make the opponents weapon un-usable. (Hitting the opponent's gun with yours, etc.) We will have 7 minutes, begin!" Ash and Lt. Surge made their way to the opposite sides of the stadium. Surge looked at Ash's seemingly puny Uzi. "You're still carrying that baby weapon around? Baby weapons are for babies, drrr. You know why? 'Cause you're a baby! Look at my masculine gun!" surge showed him his very giant machine gun, the evolved form of Ash's Uzi.  
  
"So? I'm gonna slap you like a polo Roy pizza! Or was that picture? Maybe I'm supposed to shake him instead of slap him..." A bullet from the machine gun went straight into the muzzle of his Uzi. Another bullet hit his hat. "No, My hat! NOOOOO!" Ash broke down and went into a series of seizures. Ash was immediately rushed to the poke center. His Uzi, his hat, and himself were all in need of medical attention. (Especially his hat)  
  
During that night, Ash had a very strange dream. The muzzle of the Uzi started moving as words came out of it. "Ash, I don't want to be evolved into a machine gun. I like myself just the way I am, sleek and awesome. If Nurse Joy offers me some kind of stone, refuse. Then, after that happens, let's ask Brock for advice on how to beat Surge."  
  
Ash woke up frightfully. It was morning and the sun was shining. "Hey, I think I'll ask Brock how to beat Surge. Man I'm smart!" A sharp jab hit his stomach, and he looked down to see his Uzi innocently sitting there.  
  
"So, you want help to beat Surge huh? Well, by the sound of it, he probably evolved his Uzi as soon as possible. I think I have an idea..."  
  
Ash stood for a while. "Yeah, what is it?"  
  
"BECAUSE IT'S FRIGGIN' FORSHADOWING YOU BIG HAT-LESS JERK!" ash began to whimper.  
  
"Alright, Surge, I'm gonna show you who's boss of this poss-E!" SHUDDUP, thought Misty.  
  
"Whatever, Baby. Same rules, go!" bullets came flying from his gun like the ones in, The Last Samurai. Ash, however, shot each and all of the bullets down. His Uzi had a special feature called, "agility" Apparently; Uzi could only learn this in this current stage. Surge gasped at Ash's remarkable aim. Ash then shot a bullet into one of the holes of the machine gun, causing it to burst in whimsical flame.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Surge jumped on Ash, punching him time and time again.  
  
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Guys, help me out!" Brock took out Ash's hat, and pointed to the hole. Let us draw the curtain on the rest of the scene. 


	14. Chapter 14

Poachemon  
  
Chapter 14  
  
(On a side note, the chapters I've been doing mostly imitate the episodes in the actual show. However, Internet access is down in the library, so this one is just made up. Enjoy!)  
  
"Ash, I would've never guessed you had your hat in such high priority!"  
  
"NO ONE SCREWS AROUND WITH MY HAT!" Ash thought back to the days when he had first acquired his prized possession. He was watching the TV, and a commercial came up, proposing a contest. A lucky group of one hundred people would get a super-rare collectible Poachemon hat. (The Poachemon channel was obviously private, so you had to get a LOT of cable) "Wow, I want that hat!" Since ash had had nothing better to do, he kept writing numerous post cards to the same show, which made his chances of getting that hat second to none.  
  
Ash looked to the sky as he indulged in his luscious daydream. Misty broke his thoughts. "You loser! No wonder I didn't win! I only sent in one..."  
  
"WHAT YOU SAY?! YOU SAY YOU TRY TO WIN HAT TOO, TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ASH?!"  
  
"NO! I'm just pointing out that you sent a lot of postcards!"  
  
"NO ONE TAKE HAT FROM ASH!" Ash unleashed his burning fury as he delivered a pummel to her small back. Then, he did a German suplex like the one Zangief does. (Street Fighter fans know what I'm talking about) CRACK. Ash never had to worry about her unfaithful comments for the rest of THIS episode.  
  
"Ash, you're a violent beast!" Ash laughed his stupid Happy-go-lucky laugh.  
  
"None violenter!"  
  
"Is violenter even a word?"  
  
"...Shut up, Brock." Ash continued to walk down to his next town for his next fight. He then encountered Gary, his spiky brown-haired rival. The one being that made Ash's existence twice as meaningful. If Ash ever had a goal, it was to annihilate that pimp. All the bubbly girls trailed behind Gary, chanting cheers for his many victories.  
  
"Gary Gary, he ain't a wimp! He's everybody's friggin' pimp! Gary Gary he's so cool, he always says, 'I pity the foo.' Gary Gary he's so rich! We're all happy to be his..."  
  
"HEY GARY!" Gary looked at his pathetic loser rival.  
  
"What is it, punk?"  
  
"I'm gonna whoop your butt, you ratty-voiced loser!"  
  
"Are you challenging me?"  
  
"Yep. Bring it!"  
  
"All I can say is, I'm going to kick your Ash!" All the ditzy little girls laughed in their feminine voices. Ash whipped out his faithful companion, and shot such a large ray of bullets, it was impossible not to hit something.  
  
"WHERE'S GARY?!" A small black kid stood by him with a halo.  
  
"It's me, Gary Coleman. I may look like an angel, but don't let your eyes deceive you, sucka!" Ash looked for his rival only to see all the bullets he shot come in mid-air. Gary had his hand out, and all the bullets dropped.  
  
"MAN! I didn't know he could do the matrix!"  
  
"Obviously not." Gary jumped to a tree, with what looked to be a shuriken launcher. What a wuss, can't even throw his own shurikens. Ash looked around for him, and was caught off guard by two sharp projectiles missing him by an inch.  
  
"Brock, why didn't you TELL ME Gary was there? He's right above you!"  
  
"Sorry, Ash. I must've been to blind to see him." Ash thought, you big mother.  
  
"Gimme that!" He ripped off Gary Coleman's halo and bent it to a straight shape. He kicked Gary Coleman aside and shoved the glowing rod into his Uzi. "This should make an ultra-powerful laser, strong enough for a thousand forest fires. Before he could fire, he saw Gary being withdrawn by what looked to be two men from the government. "Oh my gosh, they've spotted me! Now my whole Poachemon career is over!"  
  
"No it isn't. We're just two law enforcers from the Matrix to arrest Gary for copyright laws he broke."  
  
"You're lucky Ash! These guys saved you!"  
  
"Those guys sacked you!"  
  
"Huh?" One of the legal men shoved Gary into a sack and tied it up. They then threw the sack into a nearby river. All the cheerleaders screamed and jumped in the water to save him. However, their efforts were useless because the bag had to be opened with an identifiable handprint.  
  
"Sucks to be you! Come one, Brock, let's get out of here." He noticed that Brock was in the river, along with the cheerleaders. Oh well, I'll just keep going. Brock can drown and some Beedrill or something can eat Misty alive. 


End file.
